Peeing in the Woods

A few years ago, Dan and I talked about going camping at some point. We even went out and bought mattress pads, and a tent. No sleeping bags, though. Our purchases have been sitting in the closet, unused, for about three years now.

At some point in this conversation, Dan suggested that after we try camping, maybe we could start going backwoods hiking. You know what I mean - hiking miles on a trail, no bathrooms, no showers, no civilization, lots of bears. He knew my ideas on camping (”Motel 6 is like camping!”), yet he thought that it might be fun. My biggest concern was how the heck I would I be able to go to the bathroom, without a porcelain throne!

So, at the time, I participated on the Weight Watchers forums, and I asked people about hiking out and camping. I got suggestions from giving birth to strapping young boys he could take backwoods camping (impossible, due to Dan’s testicular cancer), to buying some plastic device that you use to pee through and keep in a plastic bag when it wasn’t in use. (Next to my food? EWWW!)

But the highlight of my research was finding a website that talked about how women could use urinals. Their banner was a man and a woman, standing next to each other, backs to the camera, peeing into urinals. Then it gave instructions on how a woman could pee like a man, without any special device. It talked about positioning of the area so that you didn’t pee all over your clothing. It recommended you try it in the shower, and practice by aiming for the drain. I laughed myself silly. (I also tried to find the page for you, but I am not sure it exists anymore.)

Then I thought about it. Since Dan was seriously talking about backwoods camping, I decided to try their technique. I mean, if what if he decided to cloroformed me and I found myself in the middle of the woods not knowing how to go to the bathroom without peeing over myself. Their technique wasn’t that difficult. I could easily aim for the drain. I pondered trying this with my clothes on. But then I thought some more. The only problem with being in the middle of the woods was there is no shower with soap and hot water! In fact, there wouldn’t even be a sink! So, I never did try to pee that way with my clothes on. Because, it is my personal belief that you should not mix food and bathroom functions. There is a reason your mouth isn’t next to your ass!

Well, I was thinking about this the other day, and I have never found myself chloroformed only to be in the middle of nowhere surrounded by trees. So I said to Dan, “You remember your crazy idea of backwoods camping? You never mention it anymore.”

Dan replied, “Yeah, I don’t think I really want to do that anymore, and you didn’t seem so interested.”

Whew! I don’t have to worry about THAT anymore! But does that mean we should sell the tent? Well, at least with regular camping, there are normally bathrooms.