Heathen

*Yeah, you may want to skip this one if you are an easily offended type.** 

Christmas is coming. When I was a kid, there was a time period when we went to church every day. As we got older, we would get dressed to the nines for Christmas Eve and go to church services, but dropped the every Sunday practice. Sometime in my teens, the family kind of dropped this practice. To this day, I don’t go to church on Sundays, and I don’t even relish in the thought of going to church. I think of my family as being spiritual, and I think of myself as Catholic because that is how I was baptised, even though Dan says I am more animistic than anything. The point being, if I was going to go back to Church, I would go to a Catholic church. I definately would not ever be apart of the cult he was in, and he agrees with that.

When I was in high school, I had a friend who joined a religious organization. It was called Victory Outreach. When another friend and I dressed up for Halloween, this gal went into the library to pray for us. We dressed as witches, and she said God would rebuke us for our Halloween costumes. She was constantly trying to force her religion on us, and every conversation turned into a conversation about God. Quite frankly, opposite of the effect she wanted to have on me, she made me start to think that organized religion was a crock, and she really made it so I would never want to go to church again.

But I did. The last time I went to church was probably six years ago. My co-worker invited me to hear her sing at her church. Little did I know that what I thought was a concert was actually a church service. It was a Presbyterian church, and the services were not dissimilar to what I remembered about going to Catholic church. At the end, a whole group of people came up to us, asking what brought us there, trying to get us to “join the flock”. Oh, and we were easy to spot as well, being as Dan and I were the only two white people in the congregation at that time. When we got into the car, we sped out of the parking lot vowing never to go to a concert at a church again. It was fun to tell my mom that story, though!

So, a quick recap before we get into the nitty gritty of this post.

• I use to go to church, but I don’t anymore.
• I feel I am still a spiritual person.
• The idea of going to a church every Sunday, or even just holidays, does not appeal to me. (Run don’t walk away from the church!)
• Trying to get me to join your flock will just give me cause to duck in doorways and behind trees every time I see you.

So, that being said, I started to think of the holiday season. I really enjoy the holidays. I love Halloween, and it is probably one of my favorite holidays in the year, even if we don’t get time off work. Thanksgiving is really nice. But at Christmas time, for the most part, people seem to be kinder, unless you have the last Tickle-Me-Elmo doll in your hands, in which case a bunch of crazed shoppers will try to jump you and knock you out so their niece/nephew/cousin/kid/grandkid can have it under their tree. I mean, come on! It’s Elmo!

Back to the topic at hand, I was thinking of the spirit of Christmas, and starting to wonder if maybe I was about to sprout horns and a pointy tail. Or maybe Santa was going to send me a lump of coal for my stocking. So, I turned to the Ten Commandements, because if there is a God, maybe if I am doing ok with his rules, he will still let me into heaven. So, here are the ten commandments (which by the way, are different depending on what religion you practice. Go figure.) My commentary is in italic.

1. I am the Lord thy God
   Thou shalt have no other gods before me
   Thou shalt not make for thyself an idol
   If pictures don’t count as idols, I think we are doing ok. If pictures are idols, wouldn’t I be a goddess?
   
2. Thou shalt not make wrongful use of the name of thy God.
   God damn it! I think I missed one.
   
3. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy.
   Is that Saturday or Sunday? Maybe I should play it safe and be lazy both days. Wait? Are you saying I have to go to church? God damn it!
   
4. Honor thy Father and Mother.
   Well, I think I got that one right. I mean, I visit, I talk with them over the web cam, I value their advice, for the most part. So, ok, I got at least one point. Maybe a point and a half.
   
5. Thou shalt not murder.
   Does this include bugs? Because normally, we do catch and release with the bugs, but God help any mosquito that gets in the house.
   
6. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
   Woohoo! Another point!! Fantasies about movie stars are still okay, though, right? Right??
   
7. Thou shalt not steal.
   Hrm…so, I shouldn’t be taking those fries off Dan’s plate? God damn it!
   
8. Thou shalt not bear false witness.
   I’m sorry, but sometimes you need to just call in “sick” to work. If that makes me a liar….
   
9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house.
   I figured I am ok. I am not interested in chickens. And even though their bunny is cute, I am happy with what we have at our house.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife.
    Oh, no problem there because a) I like men, and b) my neighbors aren’t that good looking. I can still check out the guys in public, though, right? Cause this guy I saw this morning was pretty cute. And, I mean, it’s not like they are my neighbors.

So, judging from all that, I think I might be doing ok. Maybe as a saftey precaution, I better start feeling around for the pointy horns that are going to be sprouting from my head soon, just in case I am a heathen.  I mean, judging from what the commandments say, it doesn’t really look like I am totally sweet and innocent.