I am going to warn you all right now, that if you are eating, or have just eaten, you might want to come back later. Sure, you don’t believe me. But at least you can’t say that I didn’t warn you.
I might have to kill my husband.
Poor Dan has had a cold for the past week and a half now. Awwwww! And I really have been trying to be sympathtic. The thing is, he claims it has started with (what he calls) some post nasal drip. And he started making this gawd awful noise to get rid of the feeling. This noise is akin to old men who honk into cloth hankies, and it gives me the heebie jeebies just as badly. It is like he is a huge snot vacuum. Anyway, his cold develops, and instead of blowing his nose, like I think he should (and by now, he should know that I am always right), he starts up the snot inhalation factory. SNOOOOORRRT! I swear, Dan is the only person under 90 years old that I have ever heard make this noise!
Last week, I expressed my extreme displeasure that he was making this gawd awful noise. We begin to eat dinner. Dan could win an Olympic Gold medal of eating. I swear, he inhales his food faster than he inhales that snot. And he’s less noisy about it too. But anyway, he’s done eating and I am still eating. Suddenly, and in rapid fire succession, I hear next to me: SNOOOOORRRT!SNOOOOORRRT!SNOOOOORRRT!SNOOOOORRRT!SNOOOOORRRT!SNOOOOORRRT! I am sitting there thinking, “Jesus Christ man, give it a rest” which quickly turned to me yelling to him, “Please! PLEASE!” with a odd combo of pleading and angry. Then I shot him a look that could kill. He gives me a sheepish glance and says, “Sorry.” All I could think is, “Jesus fucking Christ, could you leave the room next time.” Actually, I think I said that to him.
I have offered to buy him some Musinex to break up the stuff and save my sanity. I offered to buy him some other cold medication, but still he refuses. He doesn’t want to take anything for this, except Tylenol. I swear, a mule is less stubborn than Dan is.
And then it started to get better. He didn’t snort nearly as much. Until today. He started again. He got the dirty glances. I really hope I don’t have to smother him with my pillow tonight. Or hit him with a blunt object to put him out of his misery.
We talked about that gawd awful noise he makes. On our drive to lunch, he said, “I am doing fine now.” SNOOOOORRRT! We laughed about that, even though it still made me cringe, because he didn’t intend it. And he still got the dirty looks. I swear he is only doing it now to push my buttons.
So we are sitting in Starbucks today, eating lunch. I am enjoy a potato from the grocery store next door. Dan and I were talking about how he was taking the day off from work tomorrow, if he could swing it. Then we talked about the SNOOOOORRRT! noise, Dan said, “I’ll try not to do that in front of you anymore.” And from a table kitty corner to us, SNOOOOORRRT! Wouldn’t you know, it was a old man. Dan got a dirty look. He was laughing his head off saying, “At least it wasn’t me!” I gave him a determined look and said, “I am so blogging about you now.”
I am sure the courts will see my side of the story when my murder trial comes up.
Oh for fuck’s sake, Dan, blow your nose! If you need that much force to knock it down the other way, you need a decongestant, some tissues and probably a Neti pot.
That is the most disgusting thing I can imagine.
And I like Dan, but I will be a character witness for you at the trial.
I am SURE the courts will see in your favor…and when they do, I can use you as an example!!!
My husband has AWFUL sinuses…and will get up in the middle of the night, hacker REALLY, REALLY loud, and then proceed to spit. it. out. the. window.
ya.
think I have a case?
Oh Fuck No!!!!!
Hubs runs his own business and I made it very clear to him that that is unacceptable. He claims all the other guy at work do it but I don’t care. I will very loudly -in public- say “you gross me out to no end! Please step away from me!”
It took a while but he’s finally learning!
Poor Dan.
snot fair…
Why is it sick husbands can be so disgusting?
How does that happen?
I swear, they come up with so many ways to do new, gross things!
DH does the forceful SNIFF-EXHALE THROUGH THE NOSE thing.
me
hates
it.
Muxinex is great stuff. maybe you could just slip one in his starbucks and he would never know. Unless he reads this
Is this a guy thing? Why do they always refuse to blow their noses? My husband does the same thing and it DRIVES ME INSANE!! I can not stand the sound of snot flying up the nasal canal. I am getting pissed off just thinking about it now. I have told off those old guys you mentioned for making that noise in publis so of course I am not shy about berating my husband when he dares to do it. Of course he would probably tell you I do a million things that drive him crazy too. But that one is just gross.
I have to blow my nose. If I suck up the snot it comes out as a big loogie…either way I rid myself of all mucus. I’m not proud.
I love my wife dearly, but she’s one of those people that when they sneeze, they scream just prior to “achoo!”. Scares the shit out of me everytime….
Finn - Maybe I can get a video so you don’t have to imagine!
Beth - I’ll give your name to my lawyer as a referral.
MetalMom - I could try that. I have a story about that. Though, I don’t think I want my whole family to know that story….
Dick Small - Sure, take his side!
Sans - You’re right, it snot!
Shades - I really thought it was an old man thing.
Mel - He sometimes reads this, but I might do that anyway!
VP - Oh, it’s so gross. And it isn’t like a sniff either.
JQ - See, that still sounds better than forcing it all back into your lungs!
Buffalodickdy - The screaming sneezes scare the crap out of me too!