I was talking with my co-worker who lost her fiance last month, and asked her how she was doing. She said she was terrible. Despite having several major losses in her life, this was the worst loss she had ever experienced in her life. As we were chatting, she told me that people had told her she should move on or get over it. Well, I just want to tell you that this is the most perfect, wonderful advice you can give a grieving person — if you want to be considered a complete and total fuckwad. This was the person she planned to spend her whole life with. She wanted children with this man, to grow old with him. They had plans, dreams and love. You don’t get over that. Personally, I think if you say something like that to a person, you have never experienced a deep and tramatic loss.
Yet, people in the office were saying 4 days after his death that she would have to take off her ring. She may not take it off for a year. In my opinion, she never has to take off her ring if she doesn’t want to. It’s her choice.
I remember my dad being so upset because a supervisor had said to him, after my sister’s death, “But you will be over it in a year, right?” We were incredulous. My dad had known my sister 25 years. He was there when she was born. He helped to take care of her. But he has to “get over it” after only a year? Excuse me, but some people grieve 3-5 years after the person they lost is gone. And when you lose someone so close to you, it changes the whole fabric of your being. You never, never, ever forget that person. I think of my sister every single day. And while she is here with me, she isn’t here, and it isn’t the same.
Lost your mom recently. Get over it. It’s only the person who gave birth to you. Yeah, right.
So, here is Lynda’s handy dandy List of ten things guide to supporting a person without being a complete and total fuckwad.
How To Support a Grieving Person
- Don’t tell someone to get over it or move on. Don’t tell them what they have to do.
- Remember that even when a person seems like they are getting better, they still are grieving. This can go on for years.
- Listen. Really listen.
- Sympathize, but be honest about it. “I can’t imagine what you are going through” or “I went through something similar when I lost my grandpa” lets the person know they aren’t alone.
- Reach out to them, especially holidays, birthdays and the anniversary of the death. Even after the first year.
- Remember them and their loved one after the “firsts” are over. After the first year, people seem to forget. The person who lost someone never forgets.
- Let them cry. Don’t be afraid of making them cry. If someone loses someone, they are in all likelyhood going to cry. It doesn’t matter if you are there or not, it’s going to happen.
- Don’t try to rush them through grieving. Time heals all wounds. I know that even after almost 4 years, my wounds still feel like they are healing, even if they are scabbed over.
- Share positive, loving memories of the person if you knew the person they lost. This helps. If you are worried about making the person cry, refer to #7.
- Offer to go to dinner, coffee, a movie with them. But if they say no, don’t give up and think it is because they don’t want to be with you. They are going through a tramatic loss. They may tell you no a lot before they tell you yes. In fact, it may come to the point where you say, “Let’s go for coffee and I am not taking no for an answer.”
If you know someone who has lost someone, watch for depression, especially if a few months have passed. They may need to talk to someone. It is understandable if they can’t get out of bed after a month. If it’s been a year or even six months, they may need some help from a profession to help with their grief. Yes, a person moves on in their own time. All you can do is live. But the person they lost isn’t going to be gotten over or forgotten.
Telling someone to move on or get over it only makes you seem self-centered and inconsiderate, and honestly, some people may not even forgive you for saying it. Don’t be a fuckwad.
The thoughtlessness of people in general never ceases to amaze me.
Thanks for this info; it’s good to know.
It really pissed me off that people were telling her that, after just a month, so I decided to write a post about it.
Amen Lynda, amen….
You forgot one:
DON’T badger the person suffering the loss to sign up to sell Mary Kay!
Oh, and, misguided as your dad’s supervisor was… I think he was coming from this angle- when a family in our community lost one of their adult children in a car accident, the pastor who officiated over the services gave us all this lecture/sermon about how “the first year is the hardest on the remaining family.” (because of all of the holidays, birthdays, etc… horrid, stark reminders of who’s not present). You’re right, no-one is over such a huge loss within a year, and no-one should be expected to be. There’s no defense for his boss’s gross, “open mouth insert foot” remark, but it reminded me of that sermon and I now wonder just how many well-meaning people screw that particular attempt at sympathy up royally… perhaps they should just try to say something else instead.
Only you know how you felt about a given person. Expect some insensitivity, as some people are only capable of seeing the how world only affects them…
Wow! people actually said that to her??? What complete POS’s! I bet they have no idea that they are POS’s either.
People never cease to amaze me in their moronic tendancies. Thanks for the list of correct things to say and do.
This is one of the best posts I have ever read. Seriously, Lynda.
You NEVER ever get over it. When you lose someone you love, your life changes. It will never be the same as when that person was here on earth with you. It just is the way it is. You have to develop a new normal.
It’s funny because Sam was talking to me about his best friend last night. His best friend’s sister killed herself by laying down in front of a train in February. He told me how they were riding the bus to school yesterday and E out of the blue said, “My life just sucks. My sister is gone. My parents cry all the time. We are broke because of my sister’s suicide. I’m pressured to do well in school all the time. My life just sucks.” I asked Sam what he said to him. Sam said that he told him that he may not always know what to say, but that E could always just come to him to talk or vent and he would always listen. He also told him that his life won’t always suck. That it will at least get better. I think that last part was an important piece of advice for adolescents who are grieving because often they can’t see past today. Which can be dangerous.
Who taught my son to be supportive like that? I’m not sure I would have had the wisdom he showed to E. Especially not at 13.
Slick - I know that you know how it is. I think about you every April.
Shades - The Mary Kay thing made me LOL because I totally forgot about that! I’m not sure what my dad’s supervisor was thinking, but honestly, in some ways the first year was easier for me than the second year was.
Buffalodickdy - I think that is true for the most part, but then again, there are some really perceptive people out there, too.
Blondefabulous - She told me that people have. She shared some of her writing with me, too. Some people have no idea.
Shelli - Thanks for the compliment!
I remember you writing about Sam’s sister. I think what Sam said was perfect. It is very easy for kids to look at the right now. Adults do it, also. It gets better, but it takes time.
But what if you are a fuckwad on all 365 days of the year?
Seriously, great post Lynda.
I think that part about “after the first year” is so important. Everyone wants to be super supportive at first. And then you watch the support fade as time goes on. And pretty soon it turns into “really? we’re still talking about this?” impatience after a while.
Great job.
such great advice. What a horrble thing, I am so sorry for your coworker. To have that kind of loss then stupid people on top of that.
I can not believe people could be so insensitive. But I guess a lot of people do not know how to handle grief and comments like that are a coping mechanism or them thinking they are helping. However, if I don’t know what to say, I don’t offer any advice. I just tell them I will be there if they need me to listen. Because I can’t know how they feel. But I can be a good friend and support them in their time of need by being a shoulder to cry on, talk to, etc.
What a wonderful post and something I think everyone should know. Thank you for writing this.
Thank you for reading my mind. I needed to know.